Zeynep 的个人资料Zeynep Ankara照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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5月23日 Green post...A friend was moving to an other country and he had left a rubber plant to me years ego. It was a beautiful plant and I put it in a sunny corner in my living room. The rubber plant loved its place and grew up nicely. One day my father had visited me and said "Put it out this tree." I said "It is not a tree father?" He replied "It is not necessary a plant like that here, put it off." I didn't care of his words but the plant grew up till the ceiling in years and I removed it to the stairwell. Now it had a big lovely artistic flowerpot either. I gave it some water and mucked sometimes and I loved to see it when I came out of the house. There was a next-door neighbour that years. She used to come to my house to spend some time sometimes and used to talk about how bad to be a lonely old woman. She had some children though but I never saw them. And I don't know what happened to her husband. Was he dead or what, I didn't ask anything about it. One day, she decided to move to a rest home. I was out while she was moving and when I came home, I saw that my rubber plant had fell over and leaned against the wall. I realised that she moved yet but I was angry that was why they didn't care of the rubber plant. I fixed it and gave some water, attached to the wall. It was not attached before because it was strong to stay by itself, but was not anymore.
Shortly after that, one day I came home from work and saw that the rubber plant had gotten thrown out of the ground in the garden. I couldn't believe my eyes and went near of it, broke off its head part and came in. While I ascended the stairs, I realised that the stairwell was whitewashed and knocked of the building manager's door. I asked "Why you didn't save the plant?" She was very nervous and said: "It was an ugly plant and we didn't need to care it!" I stood in bewilderment, then went on to ascend the stairs. While I came in to my house, I had some tears. I put the plant piece in a glass of water and drunk something all night... The next day, I went out to fix something. When I front of the building, I looked at the building one moment and the building manager was sitting on their balcony, there was a very big flag on the balcony's iron. It was not a special day and as soon as she saw me, turned her head to the other side in a vengeful way.
After a while, I planted the rubber plant, it was the time. While I put it in the earth, I heard a happy child scream outside... So the plant back to life again soon. As you see on the following pictures it is still leafing in a graceful way.
An other plant story: I had a beautiful ivy plant which has so many big leafs in one of my living rooms. We had some group therapy sessions there also. After one of that sessions, I realised that the ivy plant's head was broken off. I sat on the floor and wept a while. It was running of the walls happily by then. But it still gave some big leafs for a while, till my mother visited me. When I back home from shopping one day, I saw a heap of ivy plant near the street. Some women was picking some of the pieces of it and went on to their ways. I came in and saw that the plant's all arms were cut by my mother. I said "Why did you do that?" She replied "It will be stronger from now on." I said "Are you crazy or what?!" There was just a few centimeters left from the plant. No leafs, no arms... And that ivy never recovered. I gave it to a girl friend one day that is why she understand well the plant's language, but no, it didn't back to life again with her too.
The following picture is a lucky bamboo. I had bought it when I moved this house. As for a belief, if you have it when you go in a new house, it gives you fortunate. As I said before, I have no vulgar superstitions but I still had it. While we were in the store, a friend took it while I was looking at some things for the new house. One moment, with a weird feeling, I looked at my friend and saw that his fingers are opened and the lucky bamboo fell down. I took the bamboo from the floor and asked: "Why did you do that?" He didn't answer me but his face was upset... Anyway, when I settled in this house almost one year ego, I put that plant near the rubber plant. They were looking good together. But recently, I suddenly realised that the lucky bamboo was very ill. There was just a few leafs on its head and all body was molder away! I broke off its head, lol, once again, put it in a glass of water and now I am waiting what will happen... But it already gave a leaf a few days ego.
And finally, the following pictures about some trees in my backyard. When spring began, I began to take some pictures from my kitchen window about them. Nature is always amazing and fascinating. Thanks God for all that beauty. Thanks for this nature. But I can't forgive some people who destroyed it. Even God forgives, I don't. Even if I die, my soul will not get on your back!
 Copyrighted by Zeynep Ankara4月10日 Books and me Books always took a special place in my life. My first book was an alphabet. When my mother came home from work, I used to sit her lap and read it from the beginning to the end. But when I came to the last page, I couldn't use to read some words and my mother used to remind them. They were some wind noisy words like that: "Whooo, whooo..." I hardly learnt some English words too. They were only four simple words which are "I don't love you". Lol. How come some people don't love the others dear, lol, lol... I didn't know my father's face yet that times. But there was some mother's brothers and every one of them were taking care of me sometimes. The eldest one was an accountant in a hospital and he used to take me along him some mornings. There was a library on the way of his office and he used to put me there till noon. I remember indistinctly that library. But I clearly remember its huge desks. My maternal uncle used to take me for lunch. We used to eat something in his office. He used to put the foods on some big white papers. There was an open-air cinema behind the office and some of nights me and some family children used to watch some movies from the window of the office. Then school days began. I knew read and write anymore and it was really boring to follow some lessons. And it went always like that in my whole education life. In the primary school years, my father and mother made peace again and now my father was an authority about books. He gave me my first strip cartoon. It was Heidi (Johanna Spyri). This wonderful strip cartoon had opened a huge window for me. I don't know how many times I read it. There are still some varicolored pictures in my mind about it. That years, everybody used to have some strip cartoons around. We used to swap them and I remember how I couldn't wait that swap days. Besides, We used to play as a theater play them or movie. It was interesting, my friends always used to give me some men, -maybe Killing- or some macho roles and I used to do my best, lol! It was funny because the sensitive or polite one was me in the real life. The ones warlike or aggressive was them. I never hit them, I never kept back their books or some other things but they did all of these. I always gave back my friends books, but some of my books distressed and I really felt pain about it... Ooops, now I remembered one thing. I too distrained just one time one of my friends book. He was my boy friend while I was in college and he was an theater actor. He was so lonely and used to read some books so many times. We used to spend some good times. But when I began to win some theater play prizes, he changed suddenly and began to treat me brutally. One day, we fought in his home. He was moved yet and there was a books mountain at the heart of the living room. I picked one of them and went out. He was shouting behind me: "Give my book back!.." He tried to get back it so many times. He came to my school, some bars or coffees that I went usually to get back it. One day, in the middle of a night, while I went out from a restaurant garage, I saw him. He was so nervous and aggressive. I had dreaded that is why he will damage to my car but I buzzed from there while smiling... I still have that book. It was Wolfgang Borchert's On That Tuesday.
Anyways... In the primary school years I always used to go to a library which is in the place where we lived every morning. After breakfast, I used to dress up to go to the library. There was some nice boys at the same age and I never encouraged them, lol. One day, I was asking a Victor Hugo from the librarian, the man corrected my accent and I was very shy about it. Yes, if I spell Hugo like that, Victor Hugo would be a "huge" writer. But it was a right mistake, lol, my all mistakes was right in my life... In the library, at home, while I wait something outside, I always read a book or some other things. Signboards, discarded newspapers, grocery store packages... Do you remember Lux soap? My mother used to use it and I couldn't use to spell it, but the salesman too, lol.
My high school years passed with anarchy. I never been a politic person so I was hard pressed more than the others. Because, as you know, if you belong to a side, you can be at easy relatively. Then I began to join some of hippy groups. I had so many friends from an other countries. Actually there was some consulate buildings in the place where we lived in Ankara and we used to keep company around. When my school closed because of terror, I used to go to the Swan Park to see my friends, then we used to go a bar. But if we broke, we used to go to a friend's home. Beatles, Pink Floyd, Deep Purple years. I used to fall in love badly and used to separate frequently that years. When I began to flirt with someone, I immediately used to think about how I will separate with him, lol, really. The separation days were to buy some books days. I used to buy so many books that I could carry and used to remain at home all the time. There was a big burgundy velvet armchair in my room and I used to put that books to the right beside it and begin to read nonstop. When I finished a book, I used to put it on the left side, then used to begin to an other book. That chair was very confort and I used to stand just for to go to the toilet or to eat something. But if I will eat something in the kitchen, I used to take my book too. I ate alone so may times in my life. So, there was always an open book on the table when I eat something. So when I went to college, it was not easy to eat with so many people in the refectory first. Sometimes I used to go out of the school to eat something with a few friends or alone. We used to have some drinks too, yes, at noon. We have some hidden dive bars and some barmen used to have fears our "chin chin"s. Because when this girls toasted, they would crash the glasses. No, any of us didn't injured. That was psychology and philosophy years. We used to have some "nut" philosophy professors. I discovered how can be amazing to be a nut for a while. One day, one of our philosophy professors was giving her lesson while she was sitting on the teacher's desk. I remember as today, she had worn an old suit. One of its buttons was an other color. As if it had fixed sharpish. Sometime she looked at the floor, there was a bulky paper, and said: "Call the beadle". A friend called him, the man came in timidly. Our professor said him: "Take the bulky paper on the floor." The beadle took it but he was very ashamed of to do it. Our professor said: "You did it well thanks, maybe I scratch your back to render one day." The man went out of the class right away with a shy face. Damn public humiliates!.. A little later, she ordered some books for the next lesson. A friend said: "Oh come on, the philosophy books are too expensive!" She replied: "Steal then! If you didn't steal a philosophy book by now, you don't count a philosophy student!" Awww... Yuck! So I had to steal a philosophy book now. But I had gotten almost all of the philosophy books before I began to the psychology department. I looked at some booksellers, but no, there was no book that I needed. One day, I was buying some writing materials to my niece. I saw a very beautiful bound Freud book (The Interpretation of Dreams) on the stand. It was not a philosophy book though but the experiment was to steal some books! I drove it to my armpit, paid for the other things and went out. My niece was near me and their aparment was in the same building. When we were in the elevator, he was glowering at the Freud book. It was too bad, tooo bad!.. Then I got married. My ex-husband was a real bookworm more than me. We had so many books and it was not easy to find so  me places at home for all of them. But anyway, We set up so many bookcases in every corner at home. There was my own books too between them. And I was going to some book-signing days every now and then. After dinners we used to read some books while watching TV. Then the waters clouded in every way and we divorced. He didn't take his books and the other things of him and I was very nervous about it. I waited about for years that is why maybe he will take them but no. One day I began to scratch and realised that was why all bookcases were alive with insects. So I decided to sell most of them to a bouquiniste. It was very interesting, because he had given me big money (dollars). A few days after, I was walking in a market place and two young men was talking this and that: "Did you hear, Zeynep Ankara had sold all her signed books..." Yes, most of the books were signed by the other writers. I think there are a lot of things to write about books, maybe I go on about them later if I didn't bore you yet. I know there are so many people in some different ages, personalities, educations, interest, jobs in this virtual world and also life. So it is not possible to address all of them. But most of us read some books one way or another in our lives and most of us believe in the books magic. Yes, maybe this internet world made smaller the books life but to read a book is still a magic... Well, I have still some books. When I moved this house one year ego, I designed a bookcase and made, took them in it. But I am afraid I don't read some books anymore -shame on me!-, even while eat something or before go to bed. Now I am just thinking -deep- while I eat something and talking to God before kip... Lol. Copyrighted by Zeynep Ankara3月11日 You, fat!.. Primary school years and a black monday. We were all stand in the classroom. Our teacher was trying to settle us to the banks. I am tall and I know I will sit on one of the back banks. The teacher is looking at the crowd in between whiles and giving some orders: "You, here... You, there..." The students are sitting on some desks that she pointed off. The half of classmate settled down in the classroom soon. We are a little group which remained of them. Then, our teacher looked at one of the friends and called out derisory: "You, fat girl; here." All students rolled up with laughter but me. The "fat" friend walked to the desk that the teacher's pointed, sat and took her books and pencils on the desk seriously. It was not possible to understand what her feeling. Then, the teacher looked at me and asked "Where do you want to sit?" I pointed the "fat girl" and said: "I want to sit near her." She said "Okay, go ahead." The laughing is going on between whiles. Eh, a tall girl and a fat girl; it is a funny combination; of course they will laugh, huh! The back banks filled with fats, talls, slims, idiots, poors anyway.
My friend and I were the most diligent in the class. But neither the teachers nor the students don't care about it. We don't care about it too. I think we both were aware about something and unreactive all about them. On the other hand, my friend was prissy about everything. Her hair was always combed, school dress was ironed and clean, her books, her notbooks, pencils, everything was organized. She was a scene painter either. One day, she invited me to her house and I saw how a special person she was. There was so many paintings on the walls. Beautiful views, fantastic and fascinating. She was going to a fine art gallery too once a week. Then, I booked up to take some portrait lessons there. She was working on some views, I was also, on portraits. It was a really good friendship. No conflict, no fighting. But I was in trouble with my painting teacher. As for her, I wasn't painting exactly same with the samples and she was insist in her demand. One day, she gave me a picture of a child and said: "Draw it." I drew a draft and showed her. She said "Hım, good, now paint it." I worked on it for days but the portrait of the child became an adult female day by day. The picture was nearly made itself and I was confused about it. Finally when the teacher saw my paint, said: "What is that? This is not the picture that I gave you." She was a little nervous too and said "Don't come to the lessons anymore!" My friend and I were a little sad but I went on to paint some pictures by myself for a while and felt happy about it.
Our school days were really boring... -As always. I think I always found boring the schools in my life...- Then, my parents divorced and I said it to my friend during a break in school. The corridor was very crowded. We were stand out of the crowd. My friend had brought some sandwiches from their home. We were eating them. Then the bell rang and we came in the class. My friend was looking at my face in every now and then, I was just know it but wasn't looking at her. I don't know why, I remember all these clearly... I have a picture about her but I think it wouldn't be ethical to post it here. So many years passed and I don't know where she is now. I didn't hear a paint exhibition about her too. Maybe she is a mother of a few children now. Maybe some laceworks on her coffee tables.
And I don't know where the teacher who said her "You, fat!". Maybe she died. But I am sure there are so many teachers like that in the world and I am not proud of to say about it. I don't know where are our class friends now. Maybe they are teachers, doctors, judges, lawyers now and maybe they are waiting for a sign to "laugh" at someone... They say that "Tell me who is your friend, I will tell you who you are." I have a special antenna and always feel who is special, who is in trouble, who needs some help. And I have a very special annenna for justice. It is my nature. I am afraid I am not proud of to say it too, but what can I do... I had so many different friends but I always save my difference and space, didn't lose in some other personalities. Yes maybe I am influenced by some people, but I always like my shoes. So, that proverb didn't work to me. But I am sure it worked for somebody. I just can say, I love my nature, I loved my special friends, all of them, even if the roads separated by a reason. Now I know, everybody is in his own way...
Copyrighted by Zeynep Ankara
2月23日 This is not fair!When I met her, my marriage was creaking. Before we met, I had written a story about her but she never knew it. She used to exercise her dogs on the street and I used to watch her from the window. My story about her was published on an art review. After we met, I realised that the story I built was too close her real life...
We met on the street one day. As if we were know to each other way back. "Hi." "Hi." "Chit chat", "See you later", "See you later". My ex-parent-in-laws and her house were so close and when I went to them, I always stopped by her too. My ex-mother-in-law was insistent about a baby as always and it was no matter about my desire. I and my ex-husband had made a deal before marriage about no baby. I had said "If your family concept includes some children, I am not in." His answer like this: "Great! I don't want children too." But then, I think with his mother's power, he began to wish about it. One day, while he was reading a book -he was a sociologist and used to read some books after dinners always-, looked at me and said: "I want a baby from you." I said "Hımmm, okay, bear then.. Now we have to follow your menstruation period." Anyway. In one of that strained days, my ex-mother-in-law woke tension between us for no reason at all and I wanted to leave the house not to fight with her. She closed the door with a great noisy behind me. I froze up first, then went to that friend directly. We talked a little, then I asked her: "May I sleep on your bed?" She said "Of course. Anyhow I will go out to buy something for pets".
Her house was very busy about the pets. Four dogs, 20-30 cats, hamsters, water salamanders and turtles, fishes, rabbits and a parrot etc. Her husband was going to an other countries to work for months and she was filling her life with pets. On the other hand, most of the animals were ownerless when she found them and they were shot or poisoned by some teams... It was not fair... Cats were staying in a room, dogs are also in an other room. I didn't want to sleep in the living room because some hamsters were running from their cages sometimes and gnawing the cables around, lol. Her bedroom was an autonomous region at home and it's door was always closed. In fact, I can't sleep behind the closed doors since my childhood.
Then I divorced, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla. Our friendship went on a nice and humble way. Her husband came to home sometimes, set things alright, cleaned the house, yes, and went again. My friend got pregnant one day and I took her to the hospital for controls sometimes. She went on to smoke through the pregnancy. She just ate some chocolate and apples all day long. One day, she was cooking something in my house. Some friends had come too. We were drinking and chatting. We ate her delicious meal, had a good time but my friend griped late at night, so we went to the hospital and she bore a child. Her baby girl was very healty and sturdy. Her nurse was pregnant too while her pregnancy but the nurse's baby was not healty and sturdy as much as my friend's. A healty pregnancy but a very thin baby... I remember that she said "This is not fair!"
While my friend at the hospital, I took care of her house and animals to the best of my ability till her husband came to the country. Then she stayed at her mother with the baby for a while. One day, she came to her house to see her pets. As soon as she come in, her dogs ran to her happily, she leaned her back against the wall, sat to the floor rather slowly and patted them weepingly... After her husband went to his work again, she back to her house and tried to get better for a while. But after a while, her neighbours gathered signatures to expel her from the building that is why pet's smell. So she was obliged to sell her house and rented an apartment which closer to my house. It was a big flat that sees the sea.
Then, her marriage began to creak that time but she didn't let down her hair about it and found a nice guy. He was very kind and handsome. They were joint account party soon and I didn't like it. Because the money at the bank was a big money and maybe she could buy an other house with it for herself. She said, "I didn't want to do that, but while we were at the bank to fix something, he said like that to the bank director suddenly and I couldn't say anything just that moment..." Well, her darling draw out her money from the bank one day and went bush. She found a job in a bar, put her baby to her mother and began to work. I went to that bar some nights. The bar's toilet was very clean I have ever seen. She was managing great everything in the bar. So many people were coming there just for her. One night, when the bar closed, she asked me to go her home. I said okay, so we went out. But surprise! We came across her ex-darling on the road. She went near him and kicked his leg harshly. They talked for a while. He was weeping. Then, I realised that they made peace.
What was happened the money? As he said, he wanted to have a publishing house to publish some sport news, bought some computers about it. But a few months after he had failed about that sport magazine and seizured the computers, huh... That nice guy got hung up in the bar for a while. It was strange, the bar was in a bad way of business soon. My friend had became a partner in the bar while everything was good. But the bar's owner didn't pay the cut and terminated her employment. I tried to do something about it, but the man was "a little" tough, so I couldn't get a result. Needless to say that, my friend was broke again and alone. Her darling went the second time and forever.
She began to make money of translations. I had began to work in a newspaper as a journalist and had no time even myself too. But she and I went for a walk when ever I had time. She had always a smiling face and this was bothering me. Meantime, the pets numbers were increasing rapidly. About 40 dogs were staying in the big living room which sees the sea. Most of the dogs and cats were sick when they came to the house. They healed with some friendly vet efforts. All pets were in safe and healty now. Maybe they had an owner now but my friend was in hard pressed to buy some foods for all of them. So she asked some help from some big restaurants for it. I wanted to transmit news about this issue to help her but she didn't let me for it... One day, I spent the night in her house. We talked until all hours and I stayed in one of very small rooms. Maybe I slept in a room which has closed door for the second time. Sometime, I went to the toilet. There are some washbowls on the floor and some pets in it. But everything was very clean.
I woke up with a phone ring in the morning. I went to the back room, my friend was sleeping. She hardly woke up and smiled soon. The telephone ring was cut. All cats were on her quilt. She was happy with them. Then we went out to have breakfast. It was a sunny and great day. You may forget all your troubles in a sunny day. We talked a lot, laughed a lot. What was a weird happiness! Sometime, we talked about God. I said "We need that idea." She went on in a decided tone: "Which God? If he can't put a crimp in badness, if the badness is more powerful than God, I don't need that!" So my atheist years had began but I couldn't resist too long and back to God again.
One day, her houseowner asked her to move that is why her pets. The dogs had gnawed all woodworks and when they all began to bark, there was a great noise. So she began to look for a new house. It was not easy with that much pets. Finally she found a new house in an other quarter and obtained the contract. I asked her: "Did you mention about the pets?" She said "Yes, I said I have some dogs and cats. But the man said 'it is okay, I have two dalmatians, I like dogs. Besides, when we go out of the city, we can take care of to each other's dogs'..." It was a new building and the houseowner was staying in one of the flats, on the ground floor. My friend had obtained the contrat for two flats in the building.
One night, she began to move. Furnitures first, then pets. My friend's new boy friend was helping her. But the news was not good. When the houseowner saw the dogs, had stopped them with a shotgun. My friend and her boy friend found a container for the dogs that night. On the other hand, the houseowner didn't allow them to come in their house and distrained upon her belongings. There was very valuable antiques between them. I said go to the law -hah!- and show me as a witness -huh-. She said "But you weren't in here?" I said "I was there..." But the houseowner accept to give her belongings before she went to the law. And my friend began to look for a new house again. By the way, she was going to the container every day to give them some water and food. The weather was too hot and we were afraid of what if the dogs go mad because of the double hot in the container.
My friend rented a wrecked house with a garden. No electric, no water, a ruined roof... But it was very cheap. She tried to build a new system there, took some water from a neighbour every day. She had just telephone and was calling me every night. Her baby and the pets were happy in all between these. A vet helped friendly for pets and some restaurants also. But the vet suicided on the Bosphorus Bridge one day and the pets stayed helpless for a while... Whenever she visited her mother, my friend stopped by me too. Her boots were always muddy and I was cleaning the floor after she went and it was bothering me so much. She was using the door mat but it was still not enough. One day, while we talk on the phone, I said: "A friendship's price mustn't be that much." She said "Okay. You are right... At least you don't call me nut." I said "Why I have to call you nut? Did you come to me as a patient? Did you pay me some session fees?.." Yeah, I don't come in a house from it's window. Besides, if you are psychologist, you can't help some close people. Close friends, husband and wives, brothers or sisters, some family members, anyway, no way... Well, I began to offer some galoshes for everyone then.
This is a long story and still going on in an other way. Maybe my friend was so sensitive about animals but she did her best about them and her daughter. Her daughter is a genius pretty girl now but unfortunately she didn't get a special education about it. Maybe my friend had so many troubles about the ownerless animals but now so many dogs in the streets are vaccinated and well kept in this quarter where I lived. This life fills so many unfair things and some people more sensitive about them. I had so many lives in the path; as a child, as a student, as a writer, as a journalist, as a psychologist, as a woman, as a human. I believe that I did my best. But that is not enough. To ask some justice by oneself is not enough...
Copyrighted by Zeynep Ankara.
1月22日 Maybe my cat is there and waiting for me!Nina and I have some similar memories about animals. She wanted me to share it. So I put it down on "paper". Here it is:
My father and mother separated and made peace so many times in my childhood. Finally, they separated forever while I am going to elementary school. When I came home from school one day, my mother was at home unusually. She didn't use to come at noons, so I was surprised about it. There was a book case of my father in the living room and it was not exict. There was some dust it's place instead of it. My mother prepared something for lunch and we ate as if nothing happened. Then she refreshed her make up. While she has lipstick, I asked: "Will you marry again?" She said "Yes, maybe..." "Will he buy me a bicyle?" "Yes." Then she went to work. Our house was dublex, I went to the second floor and looked at the wardrobe. There was no regimentals and suits of my father there. And the big suitcase also, was gone. My cat and I stayed for a while there. I had slept on the floor. I woke up when my best friend came. We used to listen to some long plays with her. My father hadn't took his record player and records, so we listened to some music -maybe Aretha Franklin or Frank Sinatra- and I said her "My father went".
After that day, there was a Circassian street wedding in our street. It was very enjoyable. I had a new dress about it. Sometime, I saw my father. He called me near him and I went. There was two soldier with him. While he was talking to me, they stood back. I don't remember exactly what my father said to me, maybe "Be good girl" -because he always said like that, lol- anyway, but I remember that I flushed my back to our house's wall and never talked. After it, my father knocked but my grand mother didn't open the door and called out: "Who are you?" "It is me..." "You can't come in this house anymore... Go!" She had came to support my mother... My father said good bye to me and went. I looked after him. He was walking slowly, his soldier friends were following him.
My mother was working at the army too. So she decided to move back to Ankara. I used to love Ankara. It was the city that I accustomed... So we began to pack up our wares. My cat was joyful and playful. He was sleeping in my bed as always. While I go to school, he used to go to the street to play with an other cats... Until leaving the city, I saw my father a few times more. He had rented a nice detached house. It had a beautiful fruit ranch. We used to eat some nice fruits from the tree's arms. An old woman used to come and cook something for my father and clean the house, take care of the garden. Sometimes my father used to take me to the army club for lunch. One day, while we were chatting there in the open air, I saw my mother suddenly. She was in the across the street, waiting the bus maybe to go home. My father said, call her if you like to have lunch together. I ran across the street happily and said it to my mother. My mother was very still, looked at the side of my father, shook her head as if saying no. I went back and sit my place again. The bus came and my mother went... My father passed an order to the military man just for me. He ate nothing and was depressed. I was happy to be together with my father and enjoying the nice weather and delicious foods.
It was the time to go Ankara finally, I asked to my mother: "How will we take the cat?" My mother said "We can't." "Why not? We put him in a cage. He doesn't bother anyone in the train." "No. We have not enough money for him. They will ask some money for him as much as a human." In this way, we took the train without my cat. I remember my pain like today.
We settled down in Ankara again. My mother's brother began to stay with us. He was going to college and I used to like to company with him at home... On the other hand, my cat was always in my mind. I used to fell asleep while thinking of him and weeping. We were corresponding with our old neighbours. They were saying that my cat was always on the garden wall and meowing while looking at the vacant house. This image was destroying me badly. As they said, he meowed for weeks, without eating and lost, maybe died. I remember while I sparring with my mother one day, I shouted: "I want to die! I want to die and go to the next world! Maybe my cat is there and waiting for me!" These sentences were my best keys against the sorrow in future anymore. When ever I felt angry and hopeless, I said like that and laughed.
Well, my mother married again soon. My step father didn't buy a bicyle for me that is why it is not safety in the city life. He bought me a classic guitar instead of it. I had a mandolin already. So I learnt how to play it easily but I got enough it soon. Then, I learnt how to ride a bicycle with my friends' bicycles secretly. I fell over it sometimes but I never said it and rode a bicycle to my mother.
Copyrighted by Zeynep Ankara
12月5日 Havilland, Tokalon, Nivea...You know these care products. My mother used to have these brands. I used to look at her while she paints her face, when I was a child. Some humidifying first, then foundation, the eyelids will be black, then mascara, the lips are crimson. I used to love my mother's Tokalon powder smell...
To make up is always sensational for me. I like to watch some people who are making up. We had a neighbour while I was a college student. She was a hostess in a night club but used to say that she was a baby sitter. One day, she said her real job. I said "Great, what an exciting job! You must have so many interesting stories!" She said "Nooo... It is not an interesting story, it is a bad story. And don't tell anything about my work to your mother." I said okay, of course I don't tell, if you don't want." It was too many years ego and I don't know where she is now. But I remember how she made up. First, she used to wet her hands and caress her face. While her face getting dry, she used to drive some foundation on it, then, eyelids were black and the lips were crimson. She had a big make up handbag like my step father's sister. There were so many creams, parfumes, every kind of cosmetics, a little bottle alcohol and a blond wig in it. She used to dress some attractive costumes but used to cover them with an outerwear, and also she used to have a scarf while go out. By the way, my step father's sister was a real blonde...
I had a Bulgarian friend that years. She was our another neighbour from the next apartment, student like me and living alone. And also she was a tomboy... and a chicken hearted, lol. Why chicken hearted, I will tell you now. One day, I lost my keys in a vacant lot while I exercise my dog in an evening. So I couldn't come in the house. My mother and step father were out. I went to that friend and said "Please come with me, I will try to find my keys but it is so dark." She said "No, we can't find them now, wait for tomorrow." I said "Okay, I can do it, thanks." I went to that vacant lot and found my keys easily. It is weird, the keys were shinning with a weird way on the ground... That friend used to drink so much and walk like bodyguards... And it is not necessary to say, he didn't use to make up, never! So many years after, I saw a picture on a newspaper. She was a translator for government and seem feel very sure of herself. Still no make up... and overweight.
Where were we?.. The hostess was not young but had a younger life partner. Her partner used to eat and drink so much when he came to the house. She was loving that man, but the man was very tactless and jackanapes. The woman was pretty pretty while together with him. More make up, attractive dresses, delicious foods, fruits and alcohol. The man used to like chips and the woman always used to keep some chopped potatos in a salt water cup in the refrigerator. She used to like to offer some foods to everybody. Besides, she used to bring some fast foods to us after a work night. Bulgarian friend and I used to spend some time in her house. The hostess used to come as tight as an owl before go her house. We used to eat all together. Everything was funny. One day, she brought some boiled sheep's heads. They looked like very delicious, lol. But when she carved out one of them's eye with her forefinger and ate it, I couldn't eat anything that night. They say that some eyes of animals are delicious. I don't buy it... One day, the woman was thrown out of work that is why she was not young anymore. Then the man left her immediately with their car. The woman had bought the car with her own money... After that day, she didn't make up, began to sell some socks door to door. I remember, my mother had bought a few socks from her.
I always like to make up. I never had some big handbags or some expensive cosmetics. Maybe some mascara, foundation, lipstick, powder. I have to say that, I can't stop while I make up so many times. Big black eyes and crimson lips are looking great on the mirror, lol. Not everytime, because I have to be a good girl, lol, lol... On the an other had, most of the men are crazy. Yeap. They think too highly of women with make up. I know, I tested it with my ex-husband, with some boy friends, and ordinary friends. I remember when I went to a book-signing to a provincial city years ego, I woke up late on the second day and went to the hotel's garden to breakfast without make up. The other writers and critics were chatting after their breakfasts. I had my breakfast and began to listen them. One of the critics was looking at me as if saying "Hımmm, so you are not a beautiful girl without make up." Besides, I was morning after. After a few cups of tea with lemon, I began to make up just there. That critic's look was changing on me in every minute. Finally, he was looking at me with a great admiration. As I said before, if I begin to make up, I can't stop and I like to look at the mirror more, it is fascinating!.. Sometime, the critic said "You look like to have a different experiment." I said "Yes". Tell us what is your experience just now?" I said "I am experiencing a transvesty." He said "Why?" I said "Because some people liken me that." He said "But you have a missing item about it." I said "I know".
I am still feeling as a transvesty while I make up. Don't tell me that I have some missing items about it. Yeah, I know. Havilland, Tokalon, Nivea!
Copyrighted by Zeynep Ankara.
9月30日 GLAZED FROST...A huge table and so many crystal objects on it. Glasses, carafes, some special plates, some bric a brac, pots, vases... Just like a dream! I took a step to the table to see them a little more close. But the man said "Don't close to the table so much!" rudely. There is still one step between table and me but I said "No, I don't... They are beautiful!" The man smiled on the high ropes. I stood back a few steps and looked at my friend. He ignored my blink and went on to the reportage. So I sat on an ordinary chair and began to wait my friends working. No, I am not a journalist yet, I am a "novice".
This is a huge lounge of the house. The man is an antique dealer. He had just divorced and as he said, his wife had took along so many antiques from their house when they broke up. He is showing some quaint moneys to my journalist friend. My friend looking at them and asking him about one of them. He is taking the money, holding it between thumb and forefinger and upholding, looking at it as if it is crystal. I am saying "It is a signature money". But the man doesn't like my diction and correcting with a derogatory undertone. Okay, I will not talk anymore, just will sit there!
To use a language is very important for me. As I said in one of my earliest posts, it is celestial. What ever you talk, you must try it flawless. So I am not easy so many times while I use English language. Not for anybody, for myself. Sometimes I feel some tuneless words in a sentence but this is all I can do and have no time to develope it. Anyway... It was a slip of the tongue and the man was aware of it. I was a good "thing" for his sadism that day.
It was a reportage series and my friend called me for the next times but I concocted some excuses and didn't go. When all series finished, my friend said "The antique dealer invited us for dinner to thank". I don't know why, I decided to join... It was a chic dinner table. He was a good cook, foods were delicious. But I was not easy, because the man was trying to insult with blinks in every turn. I was off my food anymore. The man had served up some fishes with mayonnaise and salad. The wine was very good, I drunk a little but was still uneasy. Actually, the table talk was very interesting. The leads of the world, forgotten civilizations, Atlantis, philosophy... I learned "international conspiracy theory" words that night first... My friend and the antique dealer were easy and having appetite. Whenever they laughed, I was smiling. A weird clumsiness was picking on me. I nearly fell the glass one time, some drops dripped to the embroidered table cloth. The fish knife was slipping near the daisy plate. Uhh, all these were terrible!
How was a psychology student I am?! What was a silly experience! My hands were shaking!! I took a deep breath then down the wine. Just that moment, the man advanced an opinion. I said "I don't think so..." The man looked at my face as if confounded. I said "Yes..." The man took a "huge" book from the bookcase. The book was looking very impressive. It's big leather cover had some gold leafs. The all margins had some neat designes. The man looked for a page, found it and said "Look at this lines!" I even didn't look at that lines and said "Maybe it says like that. I have not blind defence to books!" The man looked at my friend, laughed and said "This girl knows!!" Then a miracle happened and my all clumsiness came to an end. I had a good nose again, the fishes were deligious, the wine also. My knife wasn't slipping near the plate anymore. Most off all, my mind had opened!..
After that moments, the man didn't insult me anymore. All of us had a good evening. While we were leaving that house the man said "You cracked the ice!" I said "Yeah, I am a smart girl!" Laughs and deal for another dinner... But the another dinner didn't happen. My friend called one day and said "The antique dealer killed himself!" I said "Are you kidding?" He said "No..." Then, some little news on the second pages about him with a tender profile picture. I asked "Why?" to my friend one day. He said "I don't know." Who knows that's why but whenever I remember him, I remember that crystals and Atlantis.
This memory copyrighted by Zeynep Ankara.
ps: I have a new picture in my Collage album. 7月7日 TOYS... When I saw this picture, all my toy memories stormed to my mind. Maybe you read it before, I had no toys when I was a child. It would be, but couldn't. All my relative children had so many toys. And they used to play with them with a great joy. I just used to watch them. They used to cry easily, laugh easily and ask for something very easily. As for me, I couldn't use to do all these things easily. I had some pencils and a piece of paper always. So I learned literacy by myself in my preschool ages. It was fun for me. I always had fun with learning something.
Sometimes, we used to play at the garden with some relative children. Some other neighbour children used to join us. There was a kid at our apartment building, he used to stand just with crutchs. When her mother saw us in the garden, she used to bring him and leave near the garden wall. He used to stay just so. Curved, uneasy and confused. I used to give up the play group and go beside him, straighten his body up first -he used to feel humiliated about it a little while-, then sit on the ground with him. I used to feel sick with this friend, while we were sitting side by side. I didn't use to move so much. We, two sick children use to look at the play group. Sometimes I used to write some letters on the ground with my forefinger. "This is A, this is B..." "Look at this one, this is C..." "But I don't know, this: Vuuu vuuu" They were wind noises and I really learned hard these words, I don't know why... There was a black and white picture of this friend, I would like to post here. But it will take some time to search it in my photo archives. Sorry about it... I can say, I remember this friend now but I am not sure he does too. Maybe he leaved his body.
Toys... One day, we had some guests at home. They had some children. The mother had given their toys and we played with them for a while. While they go, their father picked one of the toys out and gave me. It was a donkey with saddle... I didn't like it but it was very useful to keep my pencils on it, lol... I used to want some dolls, dolly birds, golliwogs. There was some zwinkylike paper dolls, some friends used to play with them at the garden sometimes. I used to watch them with admiration. They used to dress that paper dolls with some variated paper dresses. They were fantastic, they were great, they were unattainable!.. But I could reach one of them one day. Someone had forgotten a paper doll with it's all paper dresses at the garden. I took it and saved in the coalhouse. I found a hole at the coalhouse's wall and that hole was the home of it from that day on. Sometimes I went to the coalhouse and played with "my" paper doll, dressed it with varicolored paper dresses. I was really happy for it.
Then I grew up. My path was hard and it was not necessary to think something like that. But when I saw some children who hadn't some dolls around, I gave them some dolls in a connection. Their happiness was mine happiness. So many years after, I gave to myself a Barbie doll too. But I failed, lol, because I didn't know how to play with it. Then, I attached it to my mind panel on the wall. I couldn't have it by now because it is an other story... My mother had visited me on a summer holiday. When she saw the doll on the wall, said "I will buy a doll like this to a neighbour child." I said "You may get it." My mother removed the doll from the wall and took her luggage right away. Mad life!..
If you read my "101 Things About Me", maybe you will remember something about my birthday date. (3. I have three birth date; according to my mother, according to my father and according to the legitimate records. It is the same year but 1-7-10 July.) Maybe today is my birthday. Maybe my mother didn't say lie to me at least one time in her life. Happy birtday to me. And everyone elses whose is today.
Copyrighted by Zeynep Ankara.
4月4日 a little note...I found a little meeting note from 16 years ego. I had written like that: "Ask people what is orgasm". I don't remember did I ask or not. But I remember well, I had gotten the kick without explanation from that women review... There was a couple around my ex house. I used to hear their, -especially woman's- spoon voices sometimes. Not at nights, day times. There was a big back yard and so many balconies used to look at it. Some children used to play with their sister or brother, some people rest or eat somethings. I don't use balconies so much. Because I am a woman who lives alone and I am afraid of some jealous wives or womanizers, lol. But it is true. Anyhow, I don't have a balcony in this house.
Anyway. I want to tell you about that woman's little story. Especially saturdays, the woman used to begin her show with "Ah!.. Oh!.. Ah!.. Ah!.. Ah!.." It used to take so long, about one or one and a half hour. The children used to hush and all people at the balconies used to keep strict silence. A man used to laugh nervous sometime, a children sound weird. The women used to go on her ah's oh's and finally a dead voice used to filter. When I heard that final dead voices, I always wanted to call out to her "Tuh, it didn't happen again! Game is good but final is bad!.."
I remember some dinky details like that...
11月8日 cats my love... Why I posted a black cat photo?.. Because I hadn't a black one. Actually I didn't choose them. Always they chose me, entered to my life and changed it as they desire. No, I am not complaining about it. Fortunately they did like that...
I had so many cats but only one dog. I don't count stray cats and curs. Maybe I told before, there is some special contact between animals and me. I can go by a lonely spot, maybe a park, if there was some curs which are barking, they stop the barking and come near me, circle around with curiosity. Funny. Anyway, I want to tell you about "my" cats now. I can't say "my" easily because cats are free, as you know.
I remember a cat, when we live in Balıkesir. We used to have a big house with a small garden. But when my mother appointed to Ankara, we moved and that cat stayed there. The real story is this: My father and mother separated and made peace plenty of times in my childhood. It was the last separation about them... That cat was the best friend for me. But my mother said "We can't take it with us. Because we have not enough money to carry it." So, the cat stayed there. It was my first blue devil about cats. My mother and me and some our household goods came to Ankara by train. There was some neighbours who write some letters to us. And they were saying "Your cat is always staying on your ex garden's wall with looking at the vacant house and yowling." I was crying for it before the sleep.
Then, I had some cats at intervals. Some of them lost, some of them died naturally or because of illness or with accident. I never locked up in home them. They could go when ever or where ever they want... I will tell you about my last cat now. I had divorced from my exhusband. I was in depression. I was always out with my friends. One day, a friend and me, were talking away in a sidewalk cafe. That friend was always near me in that hard days. She was a very interesting person. There was so many animals in her house. Dogs, cats, hamsters, turtles, water salamanders, rabbits... and a baby. Maybe I tell you her story one day.
While we chat, I said "I have no one, even a cat." She said, "Let's go, a neigbour's cat whelped lately. But he is a little mad and doesn't give them. So, we will steal one of them." I said "Okay. After all, I am a little mad too". Anyway, we went to by his house. There was a strongbox in the garden. The kittens were in it with their mother. I looked in it and chose one of them. Then we rushed to my car. But when I just operated the car, the man started up near the car's window. He took the kitten which is on my lap and leaved an other one with smiling. We smiled too and went. But a few minutes after I said "This kitten doesn't move, look at it..." My friend took it from my lap and said "I think it is sick."
The kitten got well with a vet friend's efforts and becomed a little devil. I have so many story about it that I can tell for hours... A neigbour told this story later: "Your cat was wandering around on the apartment stairs. We were talking with a friend. She said 'I think Zeynep is outside. Her cat is waiting her.' I said no, Zeynep came about half an hour ego. As if your cat was drink in with looking our faces. When I just said you are at home, it darted and came up with yowling." It used to yowl along the stairs when came home. And I used to open the door for it.
An other day, a friend of mine had come to me. He wanted to telephone for a moment. I said "Okay but if it is not long-distance." He said "No, don't worry, it is not..." And he began to tone dialing. My cat was sleeping near me. But it woke up suddenly and began to yowling to my friend's face. It had so weird voice while yowling. My friend froze up, leaved the walkie-talkie and said "I gave up to telephone..." When he took his seat, my cat curled and slept again.
Now, I have no pet in my home. Because they need so much love and care as men, lol. Now I have only some crows which ground on the balkony. We are looking to each other sometimes. Sometimes they are saying "caw!" I am listening them most of the time. If they are living more than 200 years, they do know something else, isn't it?. CAAAW!..
 9月10日 grandparents day...WHAT ARE THE CLOUDS SAYING?..
I have never met my father's parents. But I lived together with my mother's parents from time to time. Especially preschool term... My father and mother had separated when I was a little baby. I don't know why, my mother left me near her father and mother which live in a small town. I remember that night like today. We were sitting on the ottomans. It was gaslight. My mother, grandfather and grandmother were talking in whispers. I was sitting just at the heart of the room. My mother called me for a moment: "For shame!.. Don't turn her back on your grandparents." Everybody was looking at me and I was distressed. Then, I remember a snow-white sheet as a shroud, at the same room. A single breast was appearing between the sheet. A snow-white sheet and a woman breast!.. I crawled to the breast quickly. While I suck, the sheet opened and I saw that it was not my mother. It was my wet nurse. I stopped the sucking and began to cry. My mother had gone. Yes, it was the first plot of life to me. Then, I didn't see her for years. So many years after, when I tell this anecdot to one of my psychology professor, she said that I can't remember something for the first five years. But I do remember. I remember some other memories too from my first five years. Anyway.
My grandfather was a butter dealer. He used to drink his tea with one spoonful butter and one spoonful honey every morning. He used to earn good money, then go to a big city and spend his time and money with some B-girls. When he broke, used to come back and lie down on the sofa as a guilty child. My grandmother used to grumble, shout and march up an down. My grandfather also, just used to take tired breaths while he lie down. When ever his heartbeat, the sofa used to shake. He died on the same sofa years after. The sofa was shaking just before his death just like that.
He was a weird villager man but used to like modern life. Felt hats, pinstripe suits, hobbled clocks... We used to go to the open-air cinemas. Only he and me. He used to take my hand on the road and I used to like this so much. While the film, he used to smoke. His cigarette case was always filled up with rolled ups. My grandfather and mother were hard smokers. I used to make some rolled ups, go and smoke near the poplar grove which is behind the house. One day, my grandfather came home from a different road and saw me. I just run to vegetable garden, picked up an unripe green tomato in a flurry and began to eat. When my grandfather came near by me, I looked his face as innocent as newborn child. He didn't say anything but his eyes were confused.
My grandmother was a witch in the estimation for most people. She used to tie a knot in somebody's handkerchief, climb up a hill and listen some human and animal voices. Her lips used to stir with weird prayers. If a man says some positive things or a bird warbles with mood, she used to climb down the hill quickly and run to a neighbour's house. The women used to talk with bated breath. I didn't use to like their outcries... One day, while my grandmother climb down quickly once again, I shouted behind her: "No, grandmother, those clouds are not saying like that!.. They are saying no..." She replied me nervous: "Go home!.. My eyes don't want to see you!"
My grandmother used to say me "my lamb" while she mass my head. We had some fruit ranchs and when she saw a biggest fruit, maybe pear, used to save for me. But I don't know why, she didn't use to give me them right away. I couldn't eat that fruits in time. She used to look at my face jiffy and call near her with smile, take out a puckered apple or pear from her baggy trousers's pocket for me. While I ate it, she used to look at me with a comfortable face... I still don't like old or puckered fruits...
My grandfather and grandmother were as childs. They used to fight in a flash, make peace in a flash. I used to realize that they were in peace with this dialogue: "You die first, because you can't resist my pain!" "Nooo, you die first, you can't resist my pain!.." My grandfather died first. My grandmother blew her mind with signs at first then becomed senile. One day he was grumbling to my mother: "I will die... I feel I die..." I said "No grandmother, you will not die now. You will live ten years more..." She looked at me surprised, laughed with joy and said: "What will I do that ten years girl?..It is too long!.."
That years was so difficult for her. She used to talk with my grandfather's spirit, fight with him with stay up. Her paranoia distressed everybody. She was a peevish and unhappy woman anymore. Sometimes she used to stay with her children. When she came us, I used to cook some delicious foods and salads for her. It used to make her happy a little while. I don't know why, she used to break some objects of mine frequently. And then always same dialogue: "Didn't you angry with me?.." "No, grandmother, I didn't..." "Really?.." "Really." She used to wonder that why I am not angry with her. This peevish, paranoid, unhappy woman began to anticipate one day... and died soon. Exactly ten years after I said that sentence.
THIS MEMORY COPYRIGHTED BY ZEYNEP ANKARA
 7月4日 pentimento...  "While Julia attended the University in Vienna, studying with such luminaries as Sigmund Freud and Albert Einstein, Lillian Hellman suffers through revisions of her play with mentor and sometimes lover Dashiell Hammett at a New England beachhouse. After becoming a celebrated playwright, Lillian is invited to a writing conference in Russia. Julia, having taken the battle against fascism, enlists Lillian en route to smuggle money through Nazi Germany which will assist in the Anti-Factist cause. It is a dangerous mission especially for a Jewish intellectual on her way to Russia...
"During a brief meeting with Julia on this trip, Lillian leams that Julia has a child named Lilly. Shortly after her return to the United States, Lillian is informed of Julia's murder. The details of her death are shrouded in secrecy. Lillian sadly travels to England to search for her namesake the child she had promised Julia to care for. Lillian's relationship with Julia goes beyond mere acquaintance and one for which the word 'love' seems appropriate."
When I was a psychology student, I used to go to the movie houses after the school every day. Yes, every day... One day, I saw a cinema poster. It was "Julia". I was already a Jane Fonda fanatic. So, I waited with a great excitement to the screening time. First day, I watched the film attentively. Especially I was fascinated with entry scene. It was a pentimento scene. A quiet lake, pentimento, a woman who has a big hat... The woman was 'on talking' with her deep voice.
This soft, fascinating scene was impressed me too much. So, I went to this film again and again to watch just this scene. But I was leaving the movie house after that scene anymore. Moreover, one day the man who is in ticket office said "Don't pay money, for a few minutes". I said "thank you" but this time I watched that scene on my legs.
Above photo is very special for me. I was thinking about that I will be a great writer one day. I was loving Jane Fonda and rock music. Now, I am still loving them. And I believe that I am a writer also. 6月30日 my friend, I didn't forget you... We liked to drink together on weekends. He was a lonely soul as me. We could understand to each other easily. We had so many good times... He used to love to listen to American Western Music in his car in the late times on the city roads. We used to look at the television at my home until the late hours and we go to the outside to eat somethings. There is some mobile dinner at the seaside here. We used to eat somethings and then move around in Istanbul streets by car with western music. We used to crack up without cause frequently. It makes us too amuse.
His mother didn't used to like his girl friends. He has an American girl friend sometime. They used to come to me some nights. I always like to sleep on time, maybe at 12.00. So, I used to go bed and they used to stay living room and watch TV... One day, I woke up and there was a deep silent in my home. I thought that they went. But I saw that my friend is sleeping in living room alone. I awaken him and asked his girl friend. He wasn't know where she is. And my car key was no where. I was upset. Because she hasn't driving license. My friend searched her everywhere with his car in the city. But, no... Then, she came herself a few hours after and apologized again and again.
When she go back to her country, we didn't listen western music for a while. He was missing her, I was feel it. He used to began to drink too much. So many times I was leaving him in living room and going to sleep. One night, he brought a carafe water from the kitchen and put down to the floor. I said "What will you do with it?" He said "I will swim in it a little later..." LLLOOOOLLLLLLL!!!...
We are living at the same area with my friend but we don't visit to each other for years. He is still living with his mother at the same house. But I changed just three house in this years. Sometimes I am feeling some country music from outside. And I remember him. Lol. 6月12日 Turkish American Culture Association When I was in teen age, I used to go to Turkish American Culture Association in Ankara. Some little classes, empathic and sympathetic teachers, social meetings, some conserts, exhibitions... Everything was superb. I saw some pictures about that association today. Same building but so many things are different. The training in new technology... Great!
And I saw a picture too about technological dependence that I want to share you. I feel myself just like that sometimes:
 5月5日 It's Teacher Appreciation Week!I remember my three teachers. Firstly, my primary school teacher in Ankara. She was a beautiful middle aged woman. I never saw her nervous attitudes. She was so calm and careful always. I owe a great deal to her about my mother tongue. I used it perfectly, thanks to her. To use a perfect language is very important in life. To use a mother tongue perfectly is sacred
 .The other teacher that I remember, my mathematics master in high school. Our schools were closed so many times because of anarchy that years. Leftist and rightists were always fighting everywhere. People were dying... We were at school that day. It was mathematics lesson. Our teachers was so introvert and handsome. His eyes were blue and teeth were snowy... The classroom door opened noisy suddenly by somebody. Some noisy youngs as us came in. They had some guns and stuffs. Their lider shouted with nervous: "No make lesson! Everybody get out!.." One of them began to tease the teacher. Our teacher was beaten on the teacher's desk. That stage was upset me so much. I cried with nervous: "What is your problem?! You said you want "X" bureaucrat, it happened! He is prime minister now!.. What do you want from us now?! I want my lesson!" I saw my teacher was looking at me for a moment. As if he was seeing me first. We were harassed a little bit that day but then I was pet pupil for him
 .And my professor of religion philosophy at the university. He was so well-lighted person, not religious so much. It was pleasure to take lesson from him
 .These are some of my teachers that I can't forget.
Thank you for everything.
2月7日 With a Liberace.WITH A LIBERACE... WITH ZEKI MUREN.
I wasn't listen his songs, but I was admire his bravery. Still admire... He was just like a peacock in his stage clothes. He was easy cry, easy laugh and easy sing a song; with an always broken heart. He was hovered between sorrowful smiles and laugh so many times. Bardakcı sea inlet was jollify with Zeki Müren's laugh like hell. Bodrum means Zeki Müren, once upon a time; Bardakçı sea inlet means, Zeki Müren.
Bodrum is one of the Mediterranean's pearl. With its streets, with its sea, with its sun, with its full moon nights and with its lazy day times... this aphrodisiac place can petrify of everyone. Every kind of music, every kind of people, foods, drinks and needless to say that, nice women and men.
If you go to Bodrum, you have to leave your brain at gate and have to get your heart near you. Maybe you will fall in love, but it is not necessary. I went there so many summers and winters, when I was a so young girl. I walked on its street with barefoot, I sunbathed at its sea inlets, I drunk at its Bars Street, I met some nice persons... I married one of them... No, it is not necessary to remember it.
It was a overcrowded Bodrum night as usual. I was sleeplessness and tired on the bar stool. I was smoking too hard, as usual... I noticed a man at the another bar stool for a moment. He was ordinary, mature and easygoing. He light up my cigarette one time and didn't say anything for a while. I said, "I am not Italian". He said that he knows it. Than, we didn't talk quite a while. So, I forgat his being. I drunk a little bit and arised to walk at the seaside. Just this moment, he arised too, came to near me and asked that would I like to meet with Zeki Müren. I was upset! With Zeki Müren?!.. Because he was a very famous singer and that was a big chance. I said, "why not, that is okey with me..."
Zeki Müren was at just against bar, in Bars Street. There was so many people around him. He took me Zeki Müren's near and cleared out suddenly. I sat down just near him and I said "I am not Italian". Zeki Müren looked my eyes at first, than smiled dolorous. There was so many fan around. He was shaking hands sometimes, than he was plunged his hands a plate which is in cologne. I maintained silence.
After that night, I saw so many times him at Bardakcı sea inlet. He has a nice corner there. A small table with garden flowers on it, beach umbrellas, comfort lounges and of course nice women and men. One day, he mentioned by name me near him. I was upset one more time. He was remember my name. I felt myself like a child...
There was a miracle sunset that day. Zeki Müren viewed this marvelous appearance for a while with crooned a song, than laughed meanless and got up to go... Everybody has gone with him. I stayed alone a few minutes and went to beach bar with a slow pace. It would be nice take five and drink somethings. In any case, there was so many boats to go to Bodrum's center.
Beach bar was lonely. No host, no one... While I take a cup of water, a young man called me from away. He said, "where have you been?.." I said, "I am here, why?.." He said, "why you didn't come with us?" I said, "because anybody invited me". He laughed and came to near me. He said, "let's go, Zeki Müren is calling you." It was so nice inviting but I said that I can't join. Because I was so tired because of sea and sun, my pension was far away. I said, "I need a shower and clean dress. I have to go my pension." He said "don't worry, we will solve it."
He took me a pension at the sea inlet, said "get rest" and went. When he return back, there was some clothes on his hands. A blue shirt, a colourful lineated pants and a black Bodrum sandal... I dressed them and... so confusing... the clothes were just my size! Sandals also... We went to a big garden to listen Bodrum Classic Turkish Music Chorus. Zeki Müren was sitting on an easy stool. When I sit down near him, concert was began.
It was a soft Bodrum night. Some dreamy parfumes on the air, nice and healthy faces, get ten bodies, some children... trees... flowers... Amateur chorus were singing old Turkish songs for Zeki Müren that time. Zeki Müren was listening warily to them. A deep tolerance on his face, ordinarily...
A few times after, a morning, I heard from Zeki Müren with somebody. He said, "Mr. Zeki Müren will wait for you in open air beach disco at three o'clock pm." I said "really? Are you kidding with me?" He said, "no, I am serious, he wants to conversation with you alone." I was trying to understand... at three o'clock pm?.. So hot and lazy times for everybody and of course for Zeki Müren...
Finally, I decided to wait that time at Bardakcı sea inlet. Beach bar was crowdy some breakfast. Coffees, sandwiches, beers, light cocktails... I met somebody soon and we talked prattle for a while. I was waiting the time for Zeki Müren. Sun was overheat... more and more... and I forgat to wait... Yes, I still can't understand. I forgat... Suddenly I heard Zeki Müren's cross shouting. I looked behind, he was walking rush to the bar with grumble. Somebodies were following him with in a fever. I was frozen. Just before sit down a stool, he looked my eyes and shout my face. He was saying "What matter!.. Ha!.. What matter?!.." Than he never talked with me again.
It was the time to come back to home. But I should get my brain before from gate...
Years after, Zeki Müren died. I was so nervous and tired all day. I ate somethings and watched TV. I noticed a subtitle. It was saying that Zeki Müren is dead. I felt myself so strainge. Just like in a vivary... calm and silent. I just wanted to sleep. I came up to my bed and listened to the silence. Everything was different. As if I was in a different time.
That night, I saw a dream. A pianist was playing the piano. It was a fantastic and simple melody. I woke up and wrote those notes. When I saw that note paper in the morning, I was confound. But I lost that note paper in years and this is sadly, I forgat that melody also...
I saw a dream more a few weeks ego. Zeki Müren was telling me somethings. He was happy to talk with me. I was saying "this is just a dream". For that moment, a street noise waken me up. While I wake up, Zeki Müren was shouting weepy: "Don't gooo!.."
I wrote this writing for this reason.
2月6日 trace back to a childhood experience... I always looked to guns with timidly.
When my father came home, he was put it to anywhere and he was flat on the back for a while. He was seems to be just like in catalepsy. His eyes always open and looking to the cap. I was sit down, near him, just near the sofa and used to look him face. His face was always in a deep pain and prostration.
I used to say somethings sometimes. But he was not answerback. I was feel boring and confused. His pupils were speedy brisked once in a while, as if thinking some trouble things. I was looking his face, just looking, I wasn't talk anymore.
There was a Turkish popular song that times. I could hear it on the radio, on the records, anytime and anywhere. Handsome and popular vocalist was singing this song very seriously. He was in love sorrow, so called... At the end of the song, singer was saying that "just this moment!.." and after this, a big pistol shot. I was thinking of that is a suicide.
Just this moment!.. And a big pistol shot... My father was startle suddenly. That moment, he was noticed me and stand up. Silent and nervous...
I don't like guns... and roses anymore!
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